Saturday, February 24, 2007

Dizzy Pep Talk

I haven't been active here in a while and that's making me feel guilty.

I must be, deep down, Catholic. Or Jewish. Or just guilty, sinful, bad to the bone.

But I've been writing on Facebook and Livejournal. In fact, I just wrote something for Livejournal that makes me feel a bit queasy. I locked it, felt guilty for locking it, felt damn guilty for even writing it in the first place (sworn in some cases to secrecy, blah blah, but who can carry the load of all that emotion without exploding? Fuck secrecy, in fact. It's one of the causes of what happened to make me write the goddamn post in the first place). This is like being on one of those creaky merry-go-round devices you find in some parks, the kind that you grab onto and run with, then leap into the middle and try not to puke.

And, and Kyle, I read through all of your blogs--you must be going through a massive growth spurt of some sort (intellectual, emotional) and you're having the requisite growing pains, the kind that keep you up and night in a low level whole body moan. Ugh. Anyway, that's my spot analysis/diagnosis, for what it's worth.

I'm not gonna say, hey, you'll get over it, because what if you don't? I'm over 40 and I'm not over some of the stuff that mushroomed out of my early 20s and probably never will be. I still think about that first serious, longterm boyfriend--wonder where he lives, what he's doing, if he thinks about me, if the story of our relationship has warped him at all. Narcissism? Whatever. It's my life. It's your life. You have to be able to live it, to write about it, talk about it, and not continually, obsessively apologize for it, or feel guilty about it. If your friends can't let you be, if they have to keep licking at the sore, chewing on it, until it gets bigger then (she said, putting on her mother hat), probably they aren't your "best" friends. It's like any relationship that goes sour--you can't breathe right or see the thing until you're out of it, until you get some space.

Oh. Hm. Seems like I pep-talked myself just now, eh?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

thank you for the pep talk. i'm glad you could take some advice from it, because i did. i should probably start paying you by the hour, considering i take up your office hours like they're going out of style...